By Church Mouse

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle! Wow! He must think I have shoulders of a linebacker!......Then again, he knows the strength of sisters! As we are introducing our new kitty to his new surroundings, I receive the news that my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I was many times torn to where I should be - here, for my fiance, or at home, looking after her. I was soon assured by Beth that Dad and my brother were doing the best that they could with the help of home care. She told me I had enough on my plate to deal with.

When we went home for Christmas of '94, it snowed so fierce that we had to stay over night. Some of the family had left earlier. But Mom still had a house full. Even though the furnace was blasting out heat, Gordon couldn't seem to get warm. He was shivering and shaking; being an old farm house, it tended to have a few drafts. Gordon was taking 40 pills a day. Some were to prevent opportunistic infections and the rest to slow the progression of the virus. He was put on AZT - one of the first drugs they started patients on - and it was only available at the hospital pharmacy at the time.

It was a nice February afternoon when I started off for the ten minute walk to the hospital. I knew that I had had a barking cough for the past couple of days, so after retrieving the meds, I walked into the emergency room, sinking down into the chair accross from the intake person. I was hardly able to speak, because I was trying without success to keep my emotions in check.When the nurse saw how distressed I was, she ushered me over to a more private corner of the room. Inquiring as to why I was sobbing, I told her that I didn't think I could take another step. I told her that I was caregiver to my best friend, that I too was HIV positive and about my mom as well. They sent me for a chest xray. Sure enough I had bronchial phenomena.

I returned home to find a very concerned partner who wondered why a 10 minute walk turned out to be 5 hours. He told me he was about to start calling around to see if I had gone to visit family. Up until this point Gordon and I had never talked about what would happen if I got sick. I think It was just too scary of a possibility.

When I had shingles, he was still able to look after me. I waited a long time to start on the HIV meds. I knew that once I started I would be on them for the rest of my life. I had to reassure Gordon that I am apt to get the flu or a cold like anyone else it didn't mean that I wouldn't cope. On one of my regular doctors appointments, our doctor disclosed to me that my future husband could die in the next six months to a year if he acquired one of the AIDS defining illnesses. He told me Gordon's CD4 counts were a disaster. Three days until Christmas... how could he do this to me?

Plans for the wedding were still moving ahead. Neither of us was involved with any particular church. My future mother in law suggested the pastor at the Royal Canadian Legion who was a friend of Gordon's granddad.We set up an appointment. Not saying much and appearing a bit cautious, Gordon explained to the pastor that I was afraid he might have a problem with us being positive. "Not at all," he said. It was that fear of stigma raising its ugly head again. Sigh of relief.

Now on to getting the hall, a band, and the cake. I was honoured that Beth was making my dress.The groom to be was probably sick of hearing the wedding march and many other songs played over and over again, while I contemplated which ones I liked. The only request he had was he wanted a suit with tails the kind that remind me of a pianist.

Our rings weren't new, but that didn't matter. I was marrying my soul mate.Someone once asked me, "why would you get married if you are both HIV positive?" My response? "Why not!"

CM

NEVER DEPRIVE SOMEONE OF HOPE; IT MAY BE ALL THEYHAVE.

Taken from the little book of hope.H. Jackson Brown Jr.

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