A reflection on the past, part one: A women’s intuition

By Church Mouse

It is fall of 1991, I am working in a little bakeshop/cafe. Things are great, I like my job, my boss and I have just moved into a funky little apartment with my partner Gordon, in the top of a house. The reason I call it funky was because it was painted a hideous colour of hot pink with black wall paper. Ouch! Having just finished a course in interior design I could see it had potential. I was up for the challenge. Little did I know that the challenge was going to be a intruder in our home, not invited, not expected, and not talked about enough previous to its arrival. AIDS: the monster at the door.

Why I got tested baffles me to this day. I feel it was women's intuition. Back then AIDS was referred to as something that only happened to gay men or if you had a blood transfusion or were using drugs. And certainly not if you were a woman.

After urging from family, I went to see a new doctor. After my physical, he told me he couldn't find anything wrong. I told him I was concerned about my rapid weight loss and feeling crappy most of the time. He informed me, " I can't find anything wrong with you!" Strangely, just as if I was saying pass the pepper, I said, “Maybe you should do an AIDS test?” Surprised by my request, he fumbled around with some papers and reassured me I didn't fall into any of the risk groups. Bold as could be, I said, “maybe you should do it anyway.”

So they drew blood and I left feeling that the tests would come back negative. So I didn't mention it to Gordon, went to work and carried on. Just prior to that first doctor’s appointment, Gordon and I had been sitting at home out of boredom I said "I wish something exciting would happen". Gordon replied, "watch what you wish for, it may come true".

Just two weeks later a phone call sends me back to this same doctor. Still not worried, I wait patiently. Finally he arrives with my file, no tell tale signs that his news is about to ruin my life. He matter-of-factly said, “you have HIV. There is a 50% chance you are going to have AIDS. Your partner must have been unfaithful.”
Unfaithful bloody Hell!!!! He doesn't know my partner from Adam. AND..........WAIT FOR IT… Wow! “You are my only patient that has tested positive!” Whoopie! What did I win??????????????? I can hear Bob Barker now, saying, “give that young lady a brand- new- car.!!!!!!”

Such a compassionate man. He gave me the number for Public Health and walked out. Compassion might have killed the old bugger! Obviously he wasn't going to risk it! Waiting there to see if he might return, I felt nothing but a whole lot confused.

The nurse entered the room with a very concerned expression on her face. She inquired if I was okay. My response was "you know, don't you?" She replied, “I did the blood work.” Could things get any worse? This was my sister’s life-long friend. She assured me that she was bound by confidentiality.

I left that office to meet a co-worker for lunch… needless to say I wasn't interested in eating and had a hard time following conversation. As quick as I could, I got myself out of there. The numbness seemed to be replaced with angry tears. My head was trying to figure out - what next? My heart was breaking because there was one more person who had to be told.

Walking felt like I was wearing boots full of cement. When I gradually arrived home, Gordon asked how did my appointment go? I burst into tears telling all that the doctor had said. Hugging me close Gordon calmly said, "we will deal with this the best that we can." So that intruder that entered in to our lives was about to get a swift kick in the arse and out the door! Discussing our future together we decided that knowing how we were infected was not going to change anything for us so we never pursued the issue. That way people cannot put us into a category to justify how we acquired HIV.

At the end of the day I was safe in the arms of the one I loved and trusted.