-David A. Bergin, person with AIDS, taken from THE COLOUR OF LIGHT

I could not get my mind around the Idea that Gordon was going to leave me! He knew it! The doctors knew it! The homecare knew it! But I would be the hardest to convenience. Denial, the mechinisum that keeps us from falling apart. Denial is like putting a poorly erected fence around your livestock; sooner or later they will find a way to escape...

And so the journey of grief begins.With what I have read about grief, there seems to be a predictable cluster of emotions shock, numbness, anxiety, disbelief, anger, guilt, fatigue, yearning,crying and depression. I think they were all buying for first place with me! I tried so hard to convience people I was fine. I went to grief workshops, I talked and talked and talked, revisting that night with anyone that would listen. I think I even had myself convinced because I was still able to keep moving.

When my friend Lena heard that Gordon had passed, she asked if I wanted her to come and could someone pick her up at the bus station? She was on her way! Leana was an HIV positive woman I hooked up with at the first women's retreat and many conferences. Following Gordon's funeral I accepted Lena's invitation to come back to Toronto with her for a few days. In the city she kept me busy shopping for shoes and jeans. But I was on a mission to find the perfect scrapbook or album to keepsake Gordon's photos and Birthday cards to me. As we were coming out of Eaton's into the mall, there was a tree decorated with paper red ribbons. You could add a loved one's name. Back into the store, I still can't find what I am looking for. I am agitated, heart racing, frustrated, sweating, and struggling with what I now assume was a panic attack. Finally we find what I am looking for. My mind is screaming I can't breath I need to get out of the store my legs feel like lead. I need to get away from the Christmas music and happy shoppers.

I think maybe the fact that the doctor told me she thought Gordon had phemonia was playing on my mind, so maybe I was dreaming. The the aniexty was real. I didn't want to go back to my apartment but, kitty needed me as much as I needed him.

I called my Mom she said she was glad to hear my voice. She was upset with herself because she could not make it to her son-in-law's funeral. I assured her that he would not expect it since she was back in the hospital.While I was in Toronto, the Ontario AIDS network was having their conference, which Lena was to attend. She thought I should tag along because there would be friends there who could support me. After hugs and condolences, I was offered a massage by one of the volunteers who turned out to be positive himself. As he was giving me my massage he made the comment "you have runner's legs." He told me to concentrate on that strength and energy to get me through what was ahead.

Lena next took me to see my HIV specialist who sent me on to a therapist.When I spilled my story, with so much compassion he said, "I am amazed you are still standing!!!"

One day I was sharing with my sis Beth, "if only I hadn't said those words, 'God I can't handle any more,' maybe things would have turned out differently!" Without hesitation she softly said, "Mouse, I don't think it was only your prayers that were being heard. You said yourself Gordon said he was too tired to fight."

LOVE YA SIS!

CM