AT THE END OF YOUR DAYS, BE LEANING FORWARD - NOT FALLING BACKWARD.

-LIFE'S LITTLE TREASURE BOOK, ON HOPE H.JACKSON BROWN,JR. Dec.3/96  

Dearest Gordon,

Yesterday I gave a presentation at the University Of Waterloo. I felt it was the best I have done so far! I was totally prepared and proud of myself for being able to keep on doing what I needed to be doing; educating others about my illness. I knew that my niece Jen was planning on being in the audience as she was a student there. What I was not prepared for was her reaction to what I was saying... she knew my diagnosis. At the end of the presentation as she was patiently waiting to talk to me I could tell she was fighting back the tears putting up a brave front (it runs in the family). When she finally got a chance she said "I didn't know Grandma has cancer!" Ooopppps! I had been talking about how difficult it was to be there for my husband and be able to get home to see my mom who was struggling with cancer. Jen said she suspected it but... I confirmed it. Oh dear.

Dear Hon, Dec 4.

Another speech another school. I am bouncing off the walls. Today the students were so attentive you could hear a pin drop in the class room. I am breaking the stereotype, having been a married woman - not an IV drug user, gay man or ever having a blood transfussion. I was talking to Mary today and she shared with me that after the funeral her and Linda had gone for supper and ended up singing Karaoke. They chose a song apporpiate of you my dear: "Born To Be Wild." She said you would be laughing and shaking your head at their efforts. Lately my emotions are so all over the place. Relaxing in a hot bath that evening it all of a sudden hit me .... I could die too!

Dear Gordon, Dec 10th

As Christmas is swiftly approaching, I don't feel like putting up a tree, but... I have volunteered my party room downstairs for our dinner. Because I had them play the Little Drummer Boy at your service it has made it difficult at this time of year. The funeral home sent me a notice that they will be adding a special Christmas bulb to this year's display in the park in your memory. I was out at another high school when a timid little voice with tears in her eyes asked me, "how can you be here?" I told her, "because this is where my husband would want me to be."

After Christmas I stopped to thank the nurse who had been so kind to me that last night of your life. When she saw me standing in the emergency department she said "I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were?" She shared with me how after the doctors had Gordon stabilized, she had joked with him and he smiled at her. She turned away to do something and when she looked back he had quietly slipped away. She said she was so surprised and felt absolutely awful because she was coming to get me. After leaving the hospital I needed a hug and some company so I went to Beth's.I had recently got my hair cut and permed. Chris the 3yr old asked me" what's your hair doing?" I explained that I curled and coloured it. "Oh, you got new hair!"

Gordon, talking with my buddy Colleen,she told me that a friend had called you Charlie Brown. I thought you were more like Snoopy in personality because of the way Snoopy always took care of Woodstock, making sure he was safe from the storm. Your sister was kind enough to buy me a Christmas gift because she knew you were worried about not being able to go shop for me yourself. I miss your wink and your smile.

ALONE Alone again,sad but true,

I will never stop loving you.

With you I shared my deepest thoughts and tears,

With me you shared your pain and fears.

It takes a lot of courage not to complain,

To force a smile when in so much pain.

You gave me the gifts of strength and courage too,

My guardian angel is definitely you.

You say "we will meet again someday."

I remind myself of this each and everyday. CM