"By listening to more than mere words, I can learn much more than mere words can teach".
- Taken from ONE Day At A Time In Al-anon

By Church Mouse

By that summer of '96 life had become hell for Gordon. He could barely walk because of the neuropathy. His grandfather commented, "Gordon, you walk like you have marbles under your feet!" He struggled through the pain each day, dreading morning just to have it start all over again. Once again, mother hen is working overtime, hovering over his every move in case he fell and trying to get him to eat.

God help you if you stared at him. I would glare at you until you were uncomfortable and looked away. Part of this reaction might stem from my past, as my father lost his right arm from the elbow down before I was born. By '84 he had long ago learned to expect strangers' reactions, but I hadn't.

Sept.1996, Labour Day. The park was having a fireworks display accross the street. I had to persuade Gordon to share them with me. Putting my arm around his waist I couldn't help but notice his weight loss. My 5'8" 165 lb man (who told me his nick name in school was Herc) had dropped to about 70 lbs. The doctors decided to to put a portacalf in Gordon's chest so they could administer medications easier. Gordon's veins had collapsed from so much use. The portacalf was the size of a loonie and it protruded about half an inch.You could not see it if he had a dress shirt on but he was very self conscious of it. Unfortunately, it became infected or blocked (I can't recall which). So then he was given a pain pump as well as the time released morphine. He could administer more pain medication as needed. Gordon had been admitted three times up to this point.

During one particular visit to the hospital, my father in-law, Joe, was up visiting Gordon. Lorie, Gordon's mom, and I were having a coffee in the lobby coffee shop.When I returned with our drinks, Lorie's words came out in a rush - but, softly, almost a whisper - "my son is dying and there's nothing I can do about it." What could I say? I didn't want to deny or admit what I was having a hard time accepting. So we sat in silence.

A new doctor for pain management was added to the team. She not only looked after Gordon but her concern extended to me as well. Myself, I didn't like what I saw in the mirror so I took down the one at the bottom of the stairs. I thought I was doing it for Gordon but maybe I was doing it for me? I was losing weight, most likely from stress.

I wished I could have talked to my parents about what we were going through. I had quite a few people I could talk to... but hearing your parents say " everything will be okay" might have soothed my fears for a bit. I could never have imagined my life turning out this way! Many of my acquaintances I met at workshops, conferences and support groups had passed on. Gordon told me I needed to have faith. I heard on T.V. that faith is saying, "I will cope with whatever happens with all the courage I have."

I can't understand the point in suffering whether it is physical or mental anguish.What do you say when the pain is so bad that your husband has tears in his eyes or is violently throwing up everything he puts in his stomach? I could tell he was embarrassed if anyone was visiting as he often didn't have any warning. My brother Alex was someone who came regardless. His presence was one of love and support. It must have been extremely difficult to see what we were going through, only to return to being a caregiver to mom. He would later comment to me in private after Gordon's funeral with a tear in his eye, "even though he was so ill, Gordon always made the effort to make you feel welcome in your home."

My husband's constant companion was Simon the cat and the heating pad. Simon had picked Gordon and now, sensing something was wrong, he hung out on the back of the couch watching over the patient.

The doctors finally agree: "there is nothing more we can do". My best friend told me, "I'm not afraid of dying, but of leaving those I love behind." As well as, Gordon said that if he went to the hospital one more time... we would be saying goodbye.

Early October after the regular doctor appointment, Gordon suggested we run away. He was tired of homecare and needed a break. So I became an accomplice, so to speak! Why didn't I think of this sooner!? I needed to go home for my paternal Grandmother's funeral. My honey had never met her and his energy was low. We rented a nice room at a cozy Inn. The owner was very compassionate. When I told him that because of the funeral we would not be able to check out on time, he said, "no problem - take your time". It was great to put my feet up, enjoy some Chinese food and not have to deal with phone calls and nurses. Not that I didn't appreciate them but once in a while we had one that had her own agenda and never listened to the patient.

Dear Gordon, "I know how important it is for you to be remembered or leave your mark". No matter what it was you wanted to succeed at. "I already know that anyone who knows the real Gordon thinks highly of you." You taught me patience, tolerance and to have faith.
CM