Sadness is related to the opening of your heart. If you allow yourself to feel sad, especially if you can cry, you will find that your heart opens more and you can feel more love.

-Shakti Gawain, taken from the book COLOUR OF LIGHT

The weaker Gordon became the stronger I became. (Move over superman!) There was no stopping my determination to save him. Iwas obsessed with being the perfect friend, wife and confidant. Though our lives had been extremely difficult and complicated, my love for Gordon would never waiver (I guess if you have been falling my blog that goes without saying.)My soulmate told me that "fate brought us together." He taught me unconditional love, to have faith and how to be a true friend.

The weeks following our wedding, we tried to get to know Lynn (Gordon's daughter) better, but she didn't appear interested in us. Maybe she was angry because her father hadn't been in her life or maybe it was fear as she saw how he was struggling to stay afloat.We will never know. She chose to hang out with her new-found friends. Gordon was devasted to say the least. Things got out of hand and she broke the rules which we thought were fair for an 11 year old. The rules consisted of: she was to be in by 11pm, call if she was staying with a friend in the building, no boys in her room, and she was to be in the court yard of the building after dark. She set us up by jumping off our second story balcony and running over to the park. As we followed her, coming up and over the rise, we were confronted by half a dozen teens or more, some with baseball bats antagonizing my husband to come get her! And her, grinning away like the cat that swallowed the canary! Pulling him away, we called the police and they said they would drive by.  I talked to one of the police in the park and he told me there was nothing they could do.

Lynn couldn't abide by the rules so she cut her vacation short. The first time I booked her flight she took off and missed it. Then she came to the door wanting her stuff.Gordon held his ground and told her he was going to accomany her to the airport and at that time she would get her belongings back. Instead of two months, she only stayed three weeks.

From then on, Gordon seemed to be slipping and struggling, always trying to hide the truth. Feelings of no control arise when all of a sudden your mind belongs to guilt and sadness and your body to the doctors.Where do you turn when the doctors are saying, "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do"? The progression of the disease and the effects of the medications were stealing the one I love from me. Gordon's life became focused on surviving, growing and taking part in his own health decisions. Instead of sitting in the dark, he was walking in the light. I saw us as wild flowers, able to grow under the worst circumstances but, even heros need to rest.

CM