Disclosure... continuing the conversation

By Megan

In the Positive Prevention workshops, the sessions on disclosure and on stigma always carry a lot of weight. In each workshop, there are always new experiences, concerns, and strategies that are shared. And, there are always a lot of common sources of stress and stigma too.  Today I read, "The Big Reveal: Disclosing your HIV Status" on PositiveLite.com. It's an excellent blog post, and it brings up a lot of issues, like:

  • Is disclosing easier when you are older?
  • Is disclosing a political act... and a responsibility? Does staying silent mean perpetuating stigma?
  • What kind of questions do you ask yourself before disclosing?
  • Is it easier to disclose to sexual partners, or to close friends?
  • How do you negotiate safer sex when both partners are HIV positive?
  • Is there more stigma among younger gay men than older gay men?

I would love to hear your feedback on these questions!

Posted on Wed, September 7, 2011 by Megan DePutter filed under

2 comments (Add your own)

1. Michael wrote:
Hello Megan,

For the sake of initiating dialogue, here are my own personal, albeit perhaps knee-jerk, answers to the questions you pose, above.

i) In my experience, yes it is easier as you get older.

ii) Disclosing can be a political act, if that's someone's priority or focus, however, in my mind, it shouldn't be. I believe is is the responsibility of everyone HIV+ to inform others. Non-disclosure can be dangerous from a health perspective and a legal perspective. In my mind (and I feel quite passionate about this) silence does perpetuate stigma. It's our duty to inform people, to enlighten. We are victims, not freaks.

iii) While others may have myriad questions, I can honestly say, I have none. Especially at my age and living long-term with the virus.

iv) For me it's easier to disclose to close friends. Sexual partners can be turned off, more out of ignorance than anything else. Some will become condescending, exacerbating an already unfortunate situation.

v) Actually, simple, universal precautions and informed dialogue.

vi) I know a number of young men who've admitted to not knowing life without the looming threat of HIV and AIDS, contrary to we older folks. So I'd have to say no to that question. I have, however, experienced another prejudice, age-ism and from both sides of the fence. Generally, younger gay men pursue younger gay men. That said though, there is a faction of younger gay men who pursue older men. There are also older gay men who prefer to pursue younger gay men, not men their own age. But I digress, this is, of course, another topic altogether, apart from HIV/AIDS and the stigma of disclosure.

Wed, September 7, 2011 @ 4:20 PM

2. ChatJunkie/WayneB wrote:
Here are my thoughts on those questions:

1. I was older when diagnosed so I can only speak on how it has been for me as an older person. I recall I was telling close friends, only a few and it was a positive experience. I think telling them helped prepare me for telling anyone else since then.

2. I don't think it should be a political thing, like any other health condition, it should be kept personal to the person, there is no room for politics in anyone's bedroom. I don't believe in waiting to tell my status, the responsible thing for ME to do is let the other person know right away and let the other person decide if he wants to persue a possible relationship. I truely believe that silence will perpetuate stigma. Putting my face to HIV shows the world who can get it and it could be them.

3. I use to have one question, "Can I trust this person?" Like the trust I put in the person I was with when I became infected I have put the same trust in some people I thought were friends and I got burned. I got through that time and it has made me stronger and able to get out there and tell anyone who is willing to listen and hopefully educate them or get them correct information.

4. I find it easy to tell anyone now, there won't be any sex partners until after they know my status. It hasn't always been that way, not at first but it became necessary as I learned more about my responsibility. Prospective partners will say at it doesn't matter at first, there are things you can do that are safe but in time some will reconsider and want to move along. When I tell them right away I am prepared that I may hear, "no thanks" and I will be alright with it. I did find it hard to tell friends, most of them didn't know I was gay yet. I was feeling that maybe they would want to know why I hadn't told them before, did I not trust them enough.

5. I have had issues with a couple people not wanting to use condoms. One person insisted he was so undetectable that he was safe. I knew there was no cure so I made the educated decision to say, "make us some coffee, we're done here". I am also wise to the STI issue, condoms will be used when called for.

6. For me I have seen older gay men more open to talking about HIV. Many have known someone who is HIV positive or they have friends in a relationship with someone who is positive.

Thu, September 8, 2011 @ 7:41 PM

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