By Church Mouse

Man spends his whole life running from feelings with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already born the pain; what you have not done is to feel all that you are beyond the pain
-Bartholomew

I had a presentation to make at the nearby college, so Lisa’s husband Rick and Gordon’s brother Pete came to visit while Lisa accompanied me. It gave the guys a chance to talk without me hovering around fretting.

Gordon’s grandmother’s funeral was the 12th of November. We both felt bad that we weren't able to attend. We were dealing with life now hour by hour (I couldn't see this at the time.) That particular day started out like any other of the past three years. We were watching "Coach" on the television that evening and we were laughing at the attics of Luther, the one that pulled his dog around the college campus in a wagon. I couldn't hug or touch Gordon; about the only thing I could do was kiss him on the cheek. Even the weight of the blanket shot pain through his legs. He made the comment that he was feeling very congested and asked me to call the doctor. I left a message for the doctor to call us.

Since he was so calm and there was no sense of urgency, I went to soak in a hot bath. My husband would tease me that by the time the tub was filled up I would be back out again! This night I was exhausted and anxious. I started sobbing telling God, “I just can handle anymore!!!" How does that saying at A.A. go? LET GO AND LET GOD!!

When I returned to Gordon he calmly said, "Call an ambulance." Minutes later the cops were pounding on the door. I don't even remember if I buzzed them in. The lady officer advised me to gather Gordon’s meds and health card. Returning to the bedroom the last words I heard Gordon say to the paramedics was, "Please help me I can hardly breathe!!!" Outside the officer asked me, "Do you want to come with me to the hospital?" Before I could answer the paramedic opened the passenger side door of the rig and I hoped in. There was a little window behind me but I was terrified to look back to see what was going on.

At the hospital Gordon was whisked off behind doors that read “Do not enter” and I was left to wait and wait and wait alone. I never thought to call anyone. It was the wee hours of the morning. Now I wished I had. I hated being separated from the one I loved. Time seemed to stand still. Finally a nurse came and got me, taking me down a corridor where a very young doctor inquired to what my husband’s wishes were. “Did he want to be resuscitated?" I knew the answer but had a hard time saying that one word.

The doctor wandered off like it was an everyday occurrence. A very compassionate nurse wearing a pastel coloured uniform (why would I remember such an insignificant detail?) led me into another room where Gordon was lying in the bed. Staring at him in disbelief I said, “He's not breathing!!!" She said quietly, "You told us that he did not want to be resuscitated." She left me for a minute to get me a cup of water and bring the phone. This nurse said, "Your husband must have been a wonderful person." A bit annoyed I replied, “How would you know? You didn't even know him!" She told me that after Gordon was brought in and they had him stabilized she tried to make him more comfortable. He told her, "Don't worry about it"(that was what he always told me.) I felt some comfort in what she said then and in the future would learn more from her about what his last minutes were like. Everything was just too much to take in.

I called Rick, blurting out “We are at the hospital and Gordon is gone." The nurse called my sis Beth because I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't wrap my mind around what just happened. I don't recall crying, I do remember pushing back his bangs and telling him I was sorry. I did not know this would be the night. I asked the nurse, “Do you think he can hear me?"

Now I was being escorted to a tiny dimly lit room with a love seat and a couple of chairs. The end table held a big thick bible. Family arrives. I am so lost in my own grief that I can't even imagine how horrible it is for them .The chaplain’s lips are moving but I have no idea what she is saying. I've shut down. I am numb and angry (if that is possible). It sounds contradictory. Why did AIDS have to take my best friend? Has God taken him home to rest?

CM

Gordon passed away at 5 am Wed. Nov 13 /96